Just a Simple Guy

By John Addyman  |  john.addyman@yahoo.com

 

I’m a simple guy.

Ask anybody.

“That John guy,” you could ask. “What’s he like?” “Simple,” would come the answer. “Really simple.”

It’s true.

And this fact highlights my adventure with the car dealer.

The time had come to put my little red sports car in the garage for the winter. To prepare for this event, I go through a process I’ve followed for many, many years.

First, I get the car detailed. My friend, Clint, and his people at Tradition Chevrolet do a superb job. He makes sure the oil and filter are changed. I always equate this with putting a new diaper on a baby after a bath.

I fill the tank with gas, put dryer sheets on the tires and the engine compartment (to keep mice away) and get ready to put the special cover on the car.

Pretty much the last thing I do before buttoning everything up is to put Sta-Bil in the gas tank to keep the fuel fresh all winter.

This is a simple procedure: I open the door to the gas tank, put a funnel into the gas filler and pour in the Sta-Bil (which I have carefully measured to be the right amount). Done! Voila!

Then I run the car for 10 minutes to get the Sta-Bil mixed in with the gas.

Then I turn off the car, put the cover over it lovingly and last, I bend over and kiss my little red sports car good-night for the winter.

Simple.

But this September, I had bought a new little red sports car and when it came time to put him away for the winter, things suddenly got unsimple.

I measured the Sta-Bil and poured it into the gas filler pipe.

The Sta-Bil bubbled back at me.

“Whaaaat?” I gasped, realizing that the Sta-Bil wasn’t going into the car. It was going through the car onto the ground and back out the filler pipe toward me. I now had a hazmat spill on my driveway.

I stuck my finger into the opening of the gas fill pipe. I pulled my finger out and it was all red — the color of the Sta-Bil.

“Aaaaah!!!” I screamed.

What was happening? I was following the same process I’d used for more than 10 years and the Sta-Bil had always gone happily into the gas tank.

But wait. My little red sports car was the newest version of the model. It’s a Corvette. And it had a little door on the filler tube that pushed in when you put gas (or Sta-Bil) into the car. I poked my finger through that little door again as far as I could and pulled it out: still getting red from the Sta-Bil.

“Something’s wrong,” I said to myself. When you’re simple you can figure out stuff like that real quick.

I decided that the funnel I was using was too short. I consulted Mr. Google and found an auto parts store close by that had long-neck funnels and more Sta-Bil.

But before I departed, I figured I’d better check my assumption, so I called the car dealer. The service adviser didn’t know what was happening, but said he’d investigate.

Sure enough, he called me back half an hour later and asked me if I had the “accessory package” that came with the car.

“What accessory package?”

He described it for me. I had not seen it and I’d cleaned the whole car myself the weekend before.

“There’s an extension pipe in the package,” he said. “You use that to put Sta-Bil in your gas tank. We have them in our parts department. They’re about $15.”

I couldn’t figure why the Sta-Bil was going through the door of the filler pipe then straight to the ground, but getting an extension pipe seemed like the same solution I’d already figured out, but I didn’t know why it would work.

Off to the car dealer I drove. I saw the service adviser and ended up talking to three nice ladies in the parts department and a mechanic.

In 15 seconds, the mechanic explained the drawing that was on the outside of the little extension pipe they brought out for me — there were TWO doors to the gas tank and this little pipe — about nine inches long — was long enough to open the deeper, second door. What I poured into the pipe should in fact get to the gas tank.

Joy.

On the way home, looking at my little black $15 extension tube that should have been in the accessory package for my car, I decided that I wasn’t going to tempt fate. The little extension tube looked like too easy a solution and pouring anything into it would probably require another funnel.

So I stopped at an auto parts store, bought some Sta-Bil (most of my first bottle was on the driveway by now) and a very long, stiletto-like funnel, spending another $15.

I got home, put the extension tube in the filler pipe and it fit perfectly, but as I feared, the end closest to me was flush with the car. Getting Sta-Bil on the paint on my car seemed a certainty.

Next I tried the stiletto funnel. That went in deeper. It had a broad, easy-pour tip, and the Sta-Bil happily disappeared into the gas tank, not on my driveway.

The car started with its characteristic delightful roar. I ran it for 10 minutes, let everything cool, then started to cover the car. When I got to the front, I plugged in the battery tender so the Vette’s electrical system had something to slurp on during hibernation.

I was ready to close the front trunk and finish covering up the car when something flashy caught my eye deep in the trunk. It was a plastic bag and I thought it might be something left over from grocery shopping. I reached way down to pull it out.

And there in my hand was a wrapped-in-plastic, black, nine-inch extension tube.

Like I said. I’m a simple guy.